That silken bond
Move
over old image, it`s time the new one took its rightful place. The old
image? Why, that of women being each other`s worst enemies, at home, in
the marital home, in the workplace, everywhere, anywhere. It`s the familiar
trope you see in movies, in adverts, in news snippets, all around you.
It`s
the mother who rides her daughter hard, forever criticizing, loath to part with
praise; that`s tough love, see? It`s the harridan ma-in-law, but of
course. It`s the boss from hell, and never mind if she doesn`t wear Prada. It`s
the bunch of friends who bitch you out behind your back, even as they know what
they say will make its way eventually back to you. It`s those women who can
help you with a recommendation, a heads-up that could well change your very
life, but who will deliberately refrain from doing so. And yes, it`s the
neighbour who, true to cliché, will chuck garbage in your yard, pinch any
magazines left on your stoop unattended, steal your maid away with
promises of higher wages.
Except,
that woman is so yesterday. For a while now, the gentler sex has been, to
use that rather quaint Americanism, getting each other`s backs, being each
other`s BFFs, best female friends. They are now looking out for each other,
going out on a limb for women who are not necessarily their best friends. They
are sharing life-saving tips at home, in the office, while on their morning
jogs or evening walks. They are sharing warmth, laughter, good friendships,
sympathy, empathy, succor, support.
They are bonding, genuinely and strongly. At home, they are
loving and supportive. As in-laws, they are understanding and relaxed. As
bosses, they make excellent mentors; as friends, they stick with you through
thick and thin. They are a true celebration of woman power.
Listen to Priya Chetty-Rajagopal,
CXO Search Consultant and Women's Leadership Champion, as also
self-confessed, all- time fabulous woman and goddess. ``Oh,`` she says, `` it`s absolutely all about women bonding
now. That erstwhile polarisation of women either as cats or as Fevicol twins is
so outdated. Even as the warmth and laughter has become much more
gender- neutral, like-minded souls within a gender will naturally have a lot
more to share and discuss. There`s less of hierarchy among women, I feel,
as also the ability to take or give good advice quickly. ``
``I think the freedom of being
able to hang out a little more with women, pursue things with them like a yoga
course or work at an animal rescue centre, or even a professional course,
is most rewarding.``
Homemaker Manik K sees women dining together
all the time, women in their mid- twenties up to sixty plus, Indians /
foreigners, all basically having a great time laughing, drinking, eating
. She prophesies solemnly, ``Mixed groups will soon become something of a
rarity. Think about it. Men- only groups are downright boring: cricket,
politics or business, glug- glug, chomp-chomp, bye- bye!``
Amy
Gigi Alexander, a writer, explorer, traveller and confirmed believer in
goodness, is very clear about the silken bond. ``Increasingly, women
worldwide are travelling and exercising independence, as solo travelers
or with other women, `` she says. ``Women are discovering that there are
so many ways to experience the world and have a sisterhood, whether travelling
in a group of women or with a single friend. Part of this is
because women need to feel safe, and group travel offers this without
the concerns of single travel. Even when we travel solo, we seek the company of
women, because women are our best guides to culture, customs, and experiences.``
She nails the issue under
discussion when she avers, ``A larger part of the conversation is that women
are enjoying the experience of being around other women: it’s fortifying and
empowering. The modern woman is concerned with being a force in the world and
being part of the world. To this end, close bonds with other women are our
greatest strength.``
Sujatha Karun, a homemaker and one of three sisters exclaims, ``I love
going on trips with my sisters and girlfriends! We have a blast, we go scouting
new places to eat, we shop like mad, we giggle over everything and anything. My
husband is a seasoned traveller and it`s great to take trips with him but on
the laughter scale, it`s always the girl gang that wins, each and every time.``
Keerti Ramachandra, a freelance editor-
translator, sounds something of a dissenting note when she says wryly, ``I
feel strongly that women are their own worst enemies because the sense of
competition is so strong. Blame it on nature/ genes/ sanskar, whatever. And
now I tread on very thin ice: even today, for all our emancipation,
women seek their worth from the opposite sex. Which is why I see the
women bonding scenario in relation to the traditional men-women bonding
scenario.
``In
old Hindi films, girls were always seen frolicking, exchanging hugs, holding
hands, pretending the other was the lover. The sakhi in dance,
songs/thumris, paintings, literature, has a very special place, but
in relation to the male lover.
``But
change is under way. The hierarchy in woman to woman
relationships is being toppled. Maybe women are more able to see
each other as equals in every sense and therefore, able to bond more
easily. Also, maybe economic and emotional independence gives
them the freedom to have a good time with women friends rather than the
male partner /husband, and to say ``You do your thing, I`ll do
mine?``
Can we bond with our mothers-in-law? Well, by and large,
that continues to be a mixed bag but there too, the equation is undergoing a
sea change. Young women no longer view their husbands` mothers with
trepidation, and they seem under less pressure to perform as `ideal`
daughters-in-law. The older woman, for her part, no longer sees the younger
woman as a threat to her son`s affections, mainly because she now has a life of
her own. They each do their own thing, cut each other much slack, enjoy each
other’s company and maintain a most pleasant relationship.
Here is Ishani
Joshi, a homemaker`s take on this particular relationship. ``The
mother- in- law/ daughter-in-law relationship is extremely fragile and
tenuous, especially in the Indian context. Can we bond with them? Most
certainly yes, but only when we live apart. Unfortunately, most mothers-
in- law continue to hold sway over their sons even while living with their son
and daughter- in- law which becomes unbearable while living under the same
roof.
``Besides, one doesn’t have a common history with one’s ma-
in- law. As a result, all those old family stories are most often heard more
with perfunctory politeness than with genuine interest. Harder to accept are
tips on how to raise or feed your child. Sadly, one is automatically attuned to
one’s mother’s advice but not one’s ma- in- law. Much of the bonding depends on
the two people in question. Respect for your mother- in- law? Definitely.
Friendship, as in considering her a confidante? Well, that is another
thing.``
To
counterbalance this cautious if pragmatic view, though, we have Ammu Menon, a graphic designer,
who stoutly says that she is as close to her mother-in-law as she is to
her own mother. ``My husband is an only child and we have been married for a
decade now. I turn to both Ma and my ma-in-law whenever any kind of crises happens.
And both come through with solid advice, much sympathy, the occasional shoulder
to cry on. Often, my ma-in-law (and my father-in-law, too, for that matter)
crib to me about their son`s sayings and doings!
``But
yes,`` Ammu continues, ``I don`t really go whining about everything that
happens in my marriage to my ma-in-law. Ultimately, she is his mother and I
have to respect that her loyalties will lie with him. It is enough that we can
share a laugh, go catch the occasional movie, try a new restaurant, and shop
together at least once in four or five months. I consider myself blessed.``
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